Jacob's Funeral

This last week has been one of the most sacred and spiritual weeks of my life. What I have experienced this last week will stay with me forever. This last week has also been the hardest. I have never experienced anything close to what this last week has been like.

The funeral was beautiful and touching, thanks to everyone. The talk that my father gave was the best reminder and is something I will want to read again and again. My sister read a such a touching poem and my children and cousins sang "I am a Child of God," that was just beautiful. Reed's sister played a song on her violin, accompanied by his mother that touched the soul in a way that I can't begin to describe. We want to thank everyone who came and showered us with love and support. Everyone that came meant so much and let us know how much everyone cares for us at such a difficult time. We have been so overwhelmed with the support and love. Thank you to everyone that has helped to ease this burden and to help lift us up at this time of bitter sweet joy and sadness.

I will share one precious moment from the funeral. It came with our children in the limo ride to the cemetery. The children were full of love and kisses. One precious moment was when Abbie just started singing "I am a Child of God" all by herself. She didn't need any help even when I started to sing with her. She just put her fingers to my lips and sang the song to us by herself. It was so amazing to hear her sing that to us. That was the feeling...comfort and peace.

I found one of the hardest part to be at the cemetery. Reed said the hardest part was carrying the casket knowing this was our little baby boy. I was so honored that he did this, doing what a father could do with dignity and honor. I know through a lot of this he has felt as though he couldn't do much and that a lot was up to me but, this was one of those moments when what Reed did deepened my love and respect for him in a way I never knew. I had a hard time saying goodbye at this final resting place. I know we will be able to visit there and know that he is in a better place but, placing that final white rose on the casket was really heartbreaking. I love Jacob and wanted him to be part of our family here and the hardest thing has been accepting that his mission lives beyond.

Reed, myself and the children are doing as good as can be expected. Sometimes you are okay and trying to accept and othertimes you just miss having him here with you. I never knew something like this could actually be physical pain in my heart. The children remind us often how much they love him and shower us with love and kisses. As Abbie keeps telling me "don't worry mom, we will never forget him, he's my brother." We have all those memories we made with the children and Jacob and I will treasure those moments always. I will blog about the last family memory day we did but, I will do that another time.

We love and miss you Jacob!

most precious moment in time

I know that you have all been waiting to see sweet baby Jacob. Reed and Cassy got the pictures back from the photographer, and I can't even describe how beautiful they are. The pictures are absolutely amazing and so breathtaking, and just a few of so many beautiful pictures. You can't help but feel a little closer to your Heavenly Father when you see them.

We have gotten a lot of questions about the celebration that was planned and the little cards that were in the invite. While we are no longer planning the celebration, we ask that if you were sent a card, please still fill it out. If you will be at the funeral, you can bring them then but, if you are unable to attend please send them to the address that was provided. Thank you again, Nichole

Update on Arrangements

Precious Gift

(My sisters and I made them pose for pictures right before they left to go to the hospital, so I wanted to share one. We got them to crack a smile before they left.)

Reed and Cassy got home from the hospital this morning around 10 a.m. They were excited to come home and see the kids and relax at home. The kids hugs and kisses bring the best comfort. Cassy is doing well. She has been tired this afternoon and has been taking naps but, otherwise she is doing pretty good. Cassy wants me to share a few things that she wrote down early this morning around 3 a.m. Cassy woke up and had these words come to mind and adequately explains how she has felt since the birth. "I feel as though everyone's prayers keep me comforted. All these prayers together are a real source of personal strength and keep me reminded about the sweet tender mercies I have experienced. An inner strength I have never known before as if each and every prayer is being heard and given to me as a precious gift from my Heavenly Father bringing such peace and comfort. Words cannot adequately express the miracles abounding in love. " They wanted me to just thank everyone for all that they have done on their behalf. They feel of your love for them. You don't know how much your prayers mean to them. Thank you. They are heard.

Jacob was so tiny. This is his footprints with Reed's Wedding ring so that you can see the size. He is such a precious little boy.

-Nichole

Jacob Merrill Tenney

Today the vail between heaven and earth is thin. Jacob Merrill Tenney came into this world at 4:35am. He weighed 2lbs 12 ounces and was 13 inches long. He is a precious little boy and is loved. So loved. Cassy is doing well and both her and Reed are strong. They are in love with their sweet sweet Jacob, and blessed by his presence on this earth. Heavenly Father loves them, and knows what they are going through. Thank you for all of the heartfelt thoughts and prayers, as they have not gone unnoticed. Please continue to pray for them this week. Families are Forever, and Heavenly Father loves us.

-Nichole

The Journey Begins...

Hello, this is Cassy's sister Nichole. I am taking over her blog for the next few days. This will be the easiest way to let everyone know what is going on. Reed and Cassy left for the Hospital around 7:30pm tonight. They were in good spirits. Before they left, Reed gave Cassy a beautiful Priesthood blessing. It was a wonderful reminder that families are forever. Please keep them in your prayers. I will update when I know more. We love you Reed and Cassy. We are praying for you.

-Nichole

Sad News

Well, at our ultrasound we found out that our precious baby Jacob has passed away. We are truly saddened that we won't be able to meet and hold him while he is alive. We are trying to hold it together and getting everything prepared for the delivery.We know that we will be induced on sunday night so that we will probably deliver on monday. We know this will be a long process and would appreciate your prayers on our behalf. We want to say thank you for everyone's love and support you have showed us. Your prayers have been felt and your compassion has been shown so many numerous times that we can never say thank you enough. My sister Nichole will be taking over our blog to keep everyone informed about how everything goes and about funeral arrangements. Love, Reed and Cassy

Supermarket Fear

So my supermarket fear finally came about and it ended up being not so bad. I have been worried about random people asking about the pregnancy and then the kids being themselves (super honest...and I wouldn't want it any other way), telling what is going on and then having to explain why your kids are talking about their little brother and why he won't survive. I am definetely to a point where people don't have to wonder if you're pregnant or not...I am definetely pregnant. I am finally showing big enough that I knew random people would start asking and then I would have to explain what the kids were saying to total strangers. We had to run to the store to let Abbie and Kaden pick out their Valentine's for preschool. This was supposed to be a fun little trip to get out of the house and let Reed catch up on some lost sleep. While we were checking out the cashier leans over to the kids helping me put the bag in the cart and asked "Is it a boy or a girl?" The kids reply unanimously that it's a boy. She then leans over to Abbie and asks if she would rather have a sister. Abbie shakes her head "No" and looks at me funny with an expressions like "do we get to choose what we get?" The clerk looks at me and I'm sure I have this strained look on my face because I am just cringing at what will be said next. She turns back to the kids and asks if they are excited. They say they are excited for their brother but, Isaac has a puzzled look on his face and it wasn't until we got home that I figured out why. I finished up checking out and we left quickly. I was so relieved that I didn't have to explain to a total stranger why my kids were saying what they did. After we arrived home, Reed helped me get the kids in the house and I told him that my worst fear had almost happened and that it turned out okay and wasn't that bad. Isaac is sitting there during my conversation with Reed and he says,"Mommy, Daddy, should we have told her about our baby dying?" Silence.... Reed speaks up "No, Isaac, we don't have to tell everyone. You only need to say things to people we are close with or feel comfortable enough to say something. Sometimes random people are just happy for us and we can just take that and leave it at that." Phew...release of breath. Thank heavens...Reed to the rescue. So, my supermarket fear has come and I feel like I am better prepared for next time, because I'm sure this won't be the first time...you can't get away from looking pregnant when you REALLY look pregnant and I'm sure random people will say things. But, I just hope the next time, I can take what I am learning and be better prepared for next time.

Sometimes you need a Buddy

Yesterday had it's ups and downs. While the kids were at Preschool and Isaac at a friends to play(he's off track from school)...Reed and I went to the appointment to pick out the casket. That was hard. We get to the parking lot, pull in and I just sit there. I told Reed that I really don't want to go in. He reminds me that this will be easier before having the baby rather than after. So, we lock hands and head inside. We both decided on the same one and it ended up being pretty okay with lots of tears. We finished up and went back home. After things like this it seems that some of the mundane things we do just aren't important and some of the little chores are a little harder to accomplish. Like going to the grocery store to get a few perishables. It wasn't a long list at all but, things you need each week...just some perishables. Reed was studying for a test so I asked the kids if one of them would be my buddy and go to the grocery store with me. Kids are lifesavers!! Abbie jumped up and said she would go and asked if "chocolate chip" her stuffed puppy could go to the store with us. I said sure and off to the local market we go. It ended up being really fun. Abbie was very animated about everything we had on our list and chocolate chip was very helpful too. We got everything on our list and talked the whole time we were together. I really needed that....someone to be my friend when I really needed it. I just want to say my children are such a blessing...they can make any day better with their hugs and animated conversations. I feel so blessed to have the children I do and am so thankful that they can be my buddy when I really need them.

Policies

When all this comes about and is happening you start thinking about plans for the future (if you can really call it that) and you start to fall back on some things you have done to prepare for events such as this. I guess this is the post with some negativity so, if you don't want to read...just skip and don't read on. I am kinda miffed at a part of what is happening. This has to do with life insurance. We have friends who are life insurance agents and this isn't against them but, more to the "wording" of certain documents. When we found out about the diagnosis we thought we would have some help because we had been smart and had bought life insurance policies seperate even from the policies offered through our employment. We had bought dependent life policies on the children so, we thought our newborn might be covered. So, when we finally called to get details this is what we found out. Pretty much....you're on your own. I am trying to understand their point of view but...so far....I only understand that they are of no help. Because there is terminology such as the baby has to be born "in good health" or "has to live a minimum of 14 day"! How stinky is that!! I know we aren't the first that have ever had to deal with this or the last but, you would think.....this is what we bought it for....to help in times of need. I know this is a little rant but, I guess this is part of my anger of the greif process... So this is a post to sympathize with all the other parents that have lost children so soon after birth or before...I am sorry anyone has ever had to go through something like this. I know this is why there are so many willing people to help you find burial clothes and such because they have been there too. Because NO, this is not easy... Sorry this is such a negative post but, boy it felt good to get it off my chest. I didn't think I would ever get to the anger part of greif...but, here's proof...I guess I've been there now....and hopefully I can move on.