Wednesday, March 10, 2010
I don't know what to say because I have found that life is harder now. I know it probably sound simple but, I am actually proud of myself when I get the dishes done and get a load of laundry done. During the end of the pregnancy I had a really hard time physically. I would get so tired that I would cook dinner, send Reed to work and then have to sit down for an hour to get enough energy to do the dishes. The kids were great help but, they are too young to do the dishes or anything else by themselves. They love to help but definetely too young to do them alone. So, since having the baby I have been feeling better physically. Now, I feel like I am dealing with the emotional. I now don't have the drive to do very much. I now keep the house picked up but, really don't do many other things. I don't have the drive I used to. I know that this is temporary but, it is really hard trying to figure out who you are now that you've had to deal with losing a little part of yourself. I really miss Jacob and find myself teary a lot. To put it simply...I just miss him. He was a part of me and I miss feeling him close. I even miss holding him in my arms. I loved him so much during this whole journey and couldn't wait to meet him. I still love him. A mother's love is something you can't describe and I didn't even understand until we had our very own child. A love that is indescribable. I don't know how to let Jacob go...even if they say this life here is "just a moment." I think people looking from the outside in would say I am doing okay because the house is at least picked up but, looking at who I was before to who I am now, I feel like a different person. I feel changed and that what we have been through will always be a part of us. I feel like life has picked up and moving on and I just want it to stop for a while so I can really deal with what has happened yet, life never slows down and that is the hardest part. Life keeps moving on and we are left to pick up the peices and keep trudging along. I am sorry this is not the most uplifting post but, I wouldn't be honest with myself or anyone reading this if I didn't. Losing someone is really heartbreaking and losing your own child is like losing a part of your future. What would they be like, what would they be when they grew up? You are now missing everything that they would have done and become. The greif comes from the fact that you have to let go of all the dreams you had of them and deal with the fact that you will have to wait to be with them again. It give you new perspective. I have wanted to post how we were doing lately but, it's not exactly easy to write that everything isn't always a bowl of cherries. We are picking up the peices and praying for our hearts to be healed. One of my favorite songs says it perfectly...."When I feel my heart breaking, I never leave your hands." We are truly being watched over during this difficult time.
Posted by Cassy at 11:03 AM