Friday, April 2, 2010

Visiting my Nephew

I finally went to visit my new nephew. I haven't seen or really talked to them since my sister came to the hospital when Jacob was born. She was planning on coming to the funeral until on Thursday (Jacob was born Monday) when her water broke and her baby boy was born. That puts our babies three days apart. Her baby was due in the middle of March and mine was due the first of April. So our babies were due only two weeks apart. Her first baby, my neice, came early so they didn't know when their little boy would be born. I was just praying that whenever he would be born, it wouldn't be the week between the birth and funeral of our baby.
I guess I am going to explain how I've felt about this. I didn't know if I would ever write about this because it's been such a hard thing for me. Every time I would think about my nephew...I would feel like it just wasn't fair. My sister and I had a discussion before Jacob was born that I wouldn't know how I would feel and I might not want to see her or talk to her for a while and she was okay with that. It wasn't anything against her or her baby, I was just dealing with something really tough. My sister wasn't even able to come to the funeral because she wasn't out of the hospital yet. I feel bad she missed the funeral because it was really nice.
Now that it has been a few weeks, I look back and know I wasn't ready before now. It was just me dealing with everything and seeing her new baby would have been too much. It's been really hard for me. As soon as I was told about her going into labor...I just climbed into my bed, curled up in a ball, and pulled the covers over my head and cried. It was more than I could handle at the time. Reed had to climb up on the bed and just put his arms around me and let me cry. I felt such despair and hurt that I couldn't even have my own time to bury our son before the family had to be all happy at the birth of their baby. I was so mad at Heavenly Father for letting their baby come at that time. I wasn't mad at her because and ONLY because her water had broken on it's own. If she had gone to get are right...I would have been mad at her but, because it was out of her hands, I took the despair and anger to God. I couldn't imagine why it had to happen at that exact time...why not three more days. Why, why, why? Why not at least until after he funeral was over? I don't know if I'll ever know the reason he was born at that time. Maybe someday down the road I will know but, time will tell. I know I will always look at him and know what our boy could have been doing but, for now that doesn't bring comfort. So, the visit last night was nice. There were lot of tears but, it felt nice to be able to talk to my sister about some things between us. I got to hear how it was for her and I told her about how rough it had been for me. She did ask if I wanted to hold him and I felt like it would be good for me to hold him. It felt really nice to hold him. It wasn't overly joyful or anything like that but, it was just nice. It felt good to hold a baby. It definitely made me miss Jacob and my heart ached for my little boy. I did love his soft skin because that is my favorite part about babies. He was so good and slept most of the time I was there. Right before I left he opened up his eyes and it made me smile to see how much he looks like his parents. I am glad I went and really glad that I didn't push myself to go earlier because I wasn't ready. So for now, we will be able to move on from here knowing that sometimes this little boy will cause me more tears and cause my heart to ache for my little boy that isn't here with us but, we can move forward and it will be okay.
Cassy Final


  1. You are very brave....I have yet to face that demon! Love the new dresser you did you are very talented!!

  2. Ahhh Casey- I was waiting for this post. This part I do understand completely! I know the feeling of how unfair it is that the world seems to move forward when your own world is falling apart. I also totally understand how hard it must be... I've been there. I watched all of my friends have babies while I struggled, finally I got my turn and then ended up miscarrying twins. So this part- I understand. All I can say is that it is okay to feel how you do. It's good you've been so open and honest with Jennie about it. It will get easier- and eventually you get to a spot where it's okay. Hang in there... if I were closer I would give you a huge hug! Love ya!

    PS- Love the new blog header!

  3. A dear friend of mine was due a couple weeks after me when I was pregnant with Elizabeth. I had Elizabeth 2 months early, she had her Sarah a month early, right when Elizabeth would have been born if she'd made it as long as my other kids did. Her husband was out of town when she went into labor, so she called me to take her to the hospital. She was bleeding and worried and wanted me, since I'm a nurse. It was a surreal experience, but looking back I am very grateful that she reached out to me. I have watched Sarah grow up and reach each milestone, watching the shadow of my baby behind her. It hurts at times, but it was and is healing to be a part of her life. I often held Sarah when she was a baby and just felt like sticking one little finger in the gaping hole in the dike, but it helped.

  4. Cassy,
    You are such a choice and amazing woman. If only your nephew could tell you the amazing things he knows about your sweet Jacob. They had to be best friends in Heaven. You are in my thoughts and prayers always...Luv ya


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