Today is the first day of many to come. Reed went back to work and Isaac went back on track. So, I got Isaac up and ready for school. It feels like life is supposed to go back to the way it was and yet it never will be quite the same. I've been trying to keep busy this morning to help pass the day by. The two kids and I spent the morning together and they finished their chores and earned a cartoon. So, I've had some time to do some personal things I've wanted to do today.
Yesterday I finally made it back to church. I was afraid of people saying too much and me crying (everything is so raw and still so fresh that sometimes my emotions surprise me) and also afraid of people giving too much distance and me feeling alone (everyone wants to feel loved and not alone). I know...not really a winning situation anyway you look at it. Reed had been encouraging me all week that I should go back. He kept telling me that the first time will probably be the hardest but, it will only get easier.
On Thursday I had been contemplating how I would feel about seeing so many people and I finally knew that I needed to go back for me. You don't go to church for the people...you need to go to renew your covenants and partake of the sacrament. I needed to renew my covenants by partaking of the sacrament and I needed to feel of the spirit that is there. I was still scared but, knew that this was something I needed to do for me that nobody else could do for me. The sacrament is a symbol of what christ has done for us. He has suffered every kind of pain....even mine. All of the pain that I feel he has felt and I needed to be reminded of that. He is there for us and knows each one of us individually. I am so grateful to my husband and my friend for encouraging me to go back to church.
People at church was very kind. Most were very compassionate and just asked how I was holding up. There were a few that didn't know what to say and just ignored that I was there and that is okay because sometimes I've felt that I didn't know what to say to someone and just didn't say anthing. But, I appreciate those who were kind and gave hugs of encouragement. Greif is definetely something that is a process. None of this will go away today and I will always keep my sweet baby Jacob close to my heart. I just needed to be reminded that there is a loving Heavenly Father that loves ME and I am grateful for that reminder this week.
I miss you, my Baby!
Cassy-I bet today was hard having everyone go back to normal things. I know that feeling of life just seeming to pick up and go on...but your life is not the same and you are not the same person you were and you'll never be quite the same...and that's okay. But it's hard. You are so strong. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. You are a great example to me. I sure love ya. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteI love that picture of you and Jacob. It is heart wrenching, of course, but so beautiful. Thanks for letting us come and be a part of the services for Jacob. Everything was beautiful and we are grateful we were able to be there with you. Love ya.
I am glad that you went to church. What a blessing it is to know that Christ has felt what you are feeling. He has been in your shoes. He loves you, and he will see you through it. People don't always know what to say, I don't always know what to say, but you are loved more than you know. I am sure that next week at church will be even better. You have such a wonderful Relief Society that makes yummy lasagna :)and I am sure that they are missing you.
ReplyDeleteHang in there Cassy! I am thinking of you!
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