Thursday, December 10, 2009
I want you all to know what has been going on in our family. I haven't had the courage before now but I feel we should let others know what is happening. I know I haven't blogged since the 11th of November and I'd like to explain why. First of all, we are pregnant. I know some of you didn't know this and we were planning on making it public after we found out the sex of the baby. Forty weeks is a long time and when people know too early...I think it makes the time go by slower. Either that...or I am just a more private person with my personal life. I've had more morning sickness with each pregnancy and this one followed the trend. I even had to take Abbie out of dance for the fall because I could barely get Isaac to school and couldn't imagine going and sitting at class each week. I definetely want her to keep going with this but, I've decided there is a time and season for everything. On November 11th (wednesday) we left the kids at a neighbors and headed for the doctor's office for the BIG ultrasound. We were excited! The ultrasound went a little long but, we found out...IT'S A BOY !! I was a little shocked but, we really didn't care what it was because he was ours!! The ultrasound showed some complications. We were shocked. The ultrasound tech got the doctor and he told us that he was pretty sure that he knew what it was but, hadn't ever seen it himself. He has practiced for a long time and had never seen the lethal form of this. He sent us immediately to St. Mark's Hospital to the specialist. We scrambled to find another neighbor to take the kids. We definetely have the best neighbors who stepped up when we really needed them. We rushed down to St. Mark's hospital to the Perinatologist. We got the diagnosis...and it is not compatable with life outside the womb. The baby can survive and is alive in the womb because I oxygenate his blood through the cord but, once he is born he probably won't survive very long. How long? It is dependant on the baby...each baby is a little different. There are stories on the web of a few days and others that pass away during birth or before. We are praying for enough time with him to meet him and have the kids and our parents meet him. This has been really hard news to hear. I don't know how to express the amount of greif we've experienced except that there are good days and bad days. Even now...after dealing with this for a month...it still seems a little surreal. I want to express my gratitude for the gospel. Without this knowledge, we would be searching for questions about life after death and what is going to happen to our precious baby boy. I have found such comfort in this knowledge. Last week we were 22 weeks along. We had another appointment with the perinatologist. The diagnosis was confirmed. It is certain with the variation of it being one of two forms, both with the same outcomes. We were looking into a amniocentesis and decided against it for now because by doing it we would have a definitive diagnosis but, both with the same outcome. So, we will just find out at birth. Doing an amnio wouldn't change the outcome. So now we are dealing with this realization. We have had some amazing close friends and family that have been really supportive. Doing little things and helping in small ways have meant so much. As soon as we received this type of diagnosis we were put in touch with the Angel Network. Let me just say they are amazing and truly are angels! They help you navigate the greif process and also help with the things you never had to think about before. They help you plan for what is to come and to help you make the very best of your situation. They are helping us to make sure that his life is going to be treasured forever. They have been such an answer to prayer because just when you feel like you don't know where to go next they are there to help you navigate this difficult journey. They suggested we decide on a name now for our baby because he is alive and we believe that we will have him forever. We've chosen the name of Jacob. He is apart of our family and the kids talk to him and love on me and him whenever they can. I am so grateful for children who are so loving and able to share that love with me. I want to share a personal experience...not to incure sadness but to show my gratitude. Since this diagnosis...I was having a really hard time sleeping. I've never really had a problem sleeping before and this was really different for me. I would wake up early in the morning after only a couple hours of sleep. At first, this was frightening because those of you know how hard it is to take care of kids for a whole day without sleep. I pleaded with my heavenly father to help me to be able to get the rest I needed to be able to still be a mom to my other three children. My prayers were not answered how I wanted them. This quiet time of the morning, I realized, was the one time when the entire house was silent. Nobody needed me and I realized this was time for me. Time for me to be able to talk to my heavenly father. Time for me to be able to read my scriptures, not tired or interrupted. I can tell you this became such a blessing. I was able to read those things that have helped me make sense of this situation and to try and find peace and comfort. Heavenly Father helped me to be able to find times to take naps during those days when I was exhausted and to be able to sleep peacefully when I was asleep. But, each morning around 2 or 3 a.m. My mind would be wide awake. I would find myself awake and taking the time to read those things I was in need of that day. I don't know what I would have done without this time to be able to learn and reflect. I feel as though this last month has been a really strong and steep learning curve. As time has gone on, I have been able to rest a little longer and the times awake have become less and less. I am already looking back and realizing that this time I had alone will always be very precious and sacred to me. I am so thankful for this new relationship with my savior. I want to thank those who have been so kind and generous. Sometimes when I was having a bad day, someone would call and cheer me up or just be there to talk. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I have kept this really private because I really didn't know how to deal with it myself let alone other people's reactions. Everyone is different with different experiences and I am learning about myself throughout all of this. I have been wanting to share this news with everyone but, was too scared. Those of you who know me well know I like to do things myself. I like the independence. But, now I realize that I can't do this alone. I am going to blog about this experience because Jacob (our precious boy) is alive. Even if he can only survive in the womb...we are going to try to celebrate his life. Whatever happens, I know we have supportive friends and family to help us through this difficult time.
Posted by Cassy at 3:45 PM