Tuesday, December 29, 2009
So I am finally coming out of a rough patch. Christmas was so great...the kids had such a good time. The ages of the kids made it so much fun....too excited to sleep...and so forth but, I want to share this latest experience. Hopefully this can maybe help someone or maybe it's just a balm to my soul...either way... On saturday evening my family and I were playing phase 10 (family card game). The kids had gone to bed so the adults were either playing cards or reading a book. I was playing with my parents and mostly siblings. I was doing terrible this time around at the game. I couldn't get a hand even though we had set the rules differently to make the game go faster. You could get any of the ten runs and lay down...they didn't have to be in order. Even with this new rule change...it just wasn't my night. While playing, I happen to look over at my new neice. I hope I don't offend her by saying this, it has nothing to do with her baby...it just made me think of what it will be like with mine. She was laying on the shoulder of my sister with her back facing me. She has long dark hair and instantly reminded me of my first born. It was exactly what Isaac looked like when he was an infant and made me think of what our baby will look like. It just hit me like a ton of bricks. How can I possibly hold our new little boy, love him, cradle him and then have to let him go? This feeling was overwhelming and I just wanted to get away to cry. Luckily the hand of cards had just finished and because I was doing so poorly I kept it together until I could slip away and just say I had had enough of cards. I walked downstairs and found my husband asleep in a chair with his book in his hand. I wake him up and with tears in my eyes tell him "I need you." He takes my hand and we go to our room where we are staying. I tell him about what just happened and how I am feeling. We talked for a long while until I felt a little better and was able to fall asleep with Reed's arms around me. The next morning comes and I still feel the same solemn way. I get the kids ready for church and didn't feel like going myself. Reed convinced me that this is exactly when we need to go...when we feel like we can't. So I get myself ready and we make it to church. I am glad that we went, my dad was the high council speaker for the day and it was a really nice talk. We get back to my parents house after church and I am still very solemn. I don't know how else to describe the feeling except that I couldn't get over...how am I going to do this hard thing to come? How can you prepare for something like this? I just didn't have the answers. Praying helped but, I wasn't getting an answer. Maybe I just wasn't ready to listen. We drove home on Sunday and Monday the kids and I spent the day cleaning up the playroom and going to the store to buy bins to add the kids toys to the room. The kids and I had a good day and the kids had a great time playing with their new toys. I still was lonely without Reed there because it was the first day not with him since the Christmas break. So, needless to say when Reed got home from work last night and I was as excited as the kids to see him. The kids had just gotten out of the bathtub playing with their new bathtub toys and were in their jammies when Reed got home. It was fun to spend a little time together as a family. Last night I was able to go to sleep pretty well but, woke up really early this morning. I had to be to work for the early shift but, this was two hours earlier than I even needed to get up. Something just wasn't right. Reed went and checked on the kids but, there was just an unsettling feeling. I felt drawn to my scriptures. I opened up to where I had left off ( I started at the beginning a little while ago and am now in 2 Nephi). I read the next chapter and had the most settling feeling when I read the last two versus in the chapter. Lehi had just passed away and Nephi is writing about their blessings their father gave them and also about trust. It states; 34 "O Lord, I have trusted in thee, and I will trust in thee forever. I will not put my trust in the arm of flesh; for I know that cursed is he that putteth his trust in the arm of flesh. Yea, cursed is he that putteth his trust in man or maketh flesh his arm. 35 Yea I know that God will give liberally to him that asketh. Yea, my God will give me, if I ask not amiss; therefore, I will lift up my voice unto thee; yea, I will cry unto thee, my God, the rock of my righteousness. Behold my voice shall forever ascend up unto thee, my rock and mine everlasting God. Amen." This was exactly what I needed to hear, that I just have to trust him. I can't know what to expect but, can do my best to prepare and ultimately I have to trust that all is in his plan and that everything will be made right in the end. This is exactly what I needed to hear this morning and it gave peace to my heart. After I read this Reed and I prayed together as a couple. Even though I wasn't able to sleep anymore,I felt at peace. This is such a blessing since I haven't had this kind of peace in days. I know it is going to be hard and I know that I can't do this alone...and I don't have to. He is there to help me and guide me through this. He is there...if I trust in him. He can be my rock just like Nephi says he can, I just have to trust him. I am so grateful for prayers being answered. I know there are going to be many hard days ahead but, I am so glad that he has helped me through this so far and will continue to be there for me.
Posted by Cassy at 6:37 AM